♫ Tuesday, May 22, 2012
truth.
Just cried my eyes out but in a controlled way.
Well, as much control as I can get right now anyway.
Because I just told my mom I had tattoos.
I didnt say anything really.
I just said, "I wanna tell you something and it might make you mad."
Then she said, "I wont be mad. If you did something wrong, tell me."
"What if its not wrong to me but its wrong to you?" I said.
Then she said," I know about your tattoos. I know a long time already. I am your mother. Dont you think I'd notice?"
I feel extremely blessed right now. Extremely extremely blessed.
There wasnt even disappointment in her voice.
I am truely very blessed.
I feel like I dont need anything else right now.
1:06 AM
♫ Sunday, May 20, 2012
Human.
Just got a new tattoo yesterday. Tongs was with me. This guy, really is one that's hard to find. I texted him, "Wanna go out? I wanna get ink" and he replies, "What time??"No questions about it. I don't know if he was just bored and had nothing to do or if he really has the same mentality as me. Definitely one rare person to have. I'm honestly glad I have him as a friend.
Actually we went to The Central. But the tattoo shop had a few walk-ins already and didnt even pick up my phone call. Then we decided to go to Bugis. The shop was really small, could fit eight people snug with all the equipment around and even those were hanging off the walls. But hell, the people there are awesome. I was so comfortable with the artists and surrounding there that I forgot I was in the friggin middle of bugis street.
It was like meeting old friends. o_o But I never met them before.
The ink I got is the word 'human' on my wrist. It means alot, it has a lot of meaning and means differently to different person.
It can be a label,
that even though I look different, think differently and whateverthehell's different from me to other people, I am still as human as any other.
Its a reminder.
While chasing dreams and goals, trying to achieve whateverthehell you want, some things cant be helped, some things cant be done because you're only human. I'm not saying to give up, I'm saying, choose your battles.
It can also be inspiration.
And i shall quote my father, "If they can do it, why cant you? They're people, you're people"
I am blessed with two hands, arms, legs, eyes and all that makes a complete person. Physically capable of doing what other people can do and have done.
And lastly, my personal reason, to keep in mind.
Humans were not made perfect.
As is my mind and body and others of this world.
I have thought of many other words to get as a tattoo, but this word I chose just sums it all up.
In my mind anyway. :)
7:39 AM
♫ Wednesday, May 09, 2012
not getting it
I really mean it when I say i'm not a good person.
I really am not.
If you knew all the thoughts in my head, all the battles in my head to stop myself from doing something..
How many times I struggle to keep my mind in check.
How many times I stopped myself from taking that kitchen knife to either stab myself, stab someone or just slash everything in sight.
How many times I thought, "how many more pills could I have taken that day?"
I am tired all the time because my mind is always on guard.
And I thought home is where I could rest my head.
.. Apparantly not.
Its simple really.
I do not like strangers.
If you wanna help them, fine.
But at least, give me some god damn warning so I can control my emotions, think straight and then react.
Dont just, " hey, there are four kids of someone you dont know. They'll be staying here from today.. "
You drop a fucking bomb and you expect me to react rationally?
Of course, I'd freak out. God damn it.
Four strangers in my supposed safe place.
No. I will not let you say I have no emotions and sympathy to help these people.
I will not let you say i'm not human, i'm heartless.
Because you are trying to be "good" to a fault. And then trying to push it to me.
I am not trying to be good.
All my life, you've taught me a lot of things. And I agree with most of your lessons.
Blood is thicker then water, you said.
I cant believe you said all those things.
I cant put my faith in you, I cant believe in you anymore.
Seems like blood turned into water.
Lies.
Deceit.
Betrayal.
Pain.
Broken.
Words haunting my heart. I shall bury them deep and paint on a face.
Emotions are tiring.
If I get anymore tired of this world..
Im getting really tired of everything.
4:20 AM
♫ Tuesday, May 08, 2012
death
suicide
confusion
unfocused
wavering
questioning
second-guessing
stubborn
numb
.. and a few more other words. All floating about in my head right now.
When you gamble or you take a risk, make sure you bet using whatever belongs to you or simply, bet yourself.
To risk someone else, or even their property, with or without their knowledge or permission, for that matter, is just plain irresponsible. Not to mention, it breaks trust.
I simply do not care if my sister thinks that person and her family is nice and kind and what not.
I dont care even if she knows them for 30 years or not.
She can judge and say they are good people but I cant. I dont know them. I dont trust them. Which leads me to not like them.
So their presence gives me unease in my own house.
Basically, its the same situation from the old house all over again.
It gives me great stress to know some strangers are in my house.
Unsafe.
It does not feel good to realise that the one place that SHOULD be most safe, is not.
And it doesn't help that no one gets it.
You wanna bring strangers home?
Get yourself a home of your own.
Because while we are sharing the same walls, I will see to it that no one get through.
I'm the only one who feels unsafe here.
Is home really my sanctuary?
Sometimes I feel it'd be better without me and my mentality.
Its too different. Too strange.
No one seems to be able to take it.
And those I open up to just brush it off like its just a common flu.
Death.
Suicide.
Confusion.
Unfocused.
Stubborn.
Still lingering in my head.
It seems..I'm not doing well on my own.
12:38 AM
♫ Saturday, May 05, 2012
Guys. sheesh lol
Well yeah I kinda like the guy.
But its the same 'like' with everyone else.
Its just that, being a girl, i'm more comfortable with girls.
Its just not the same with guys. Guys just dont get some things.
Guys especially dont get girls like me who are different in a lot of ways from what they think girls are like.
And I'm the kind that laughs and giggles through awkward, uncomfy, shy, even embarassing moments.
I dont know why I do it, but I like that I do. It takes the edge off.
Never took myself seriously much anyway.
Anyhoo~
I've never met someone like that.
About my age but with kids and away from country and family.
I cant even begin to imagine what its like to be in his shoes.
Totally seeing him in a different light now. Its weird.
Ha! I am totally over with trying to interpret and decipher people's signs and body language.
Theres just too many factors that could affect the true meaning and intention of the act.
Imma just have fun with it.
It will be good on the mind too.
9:59 PM
♫ Monday, April 30, 2012
People.
People can change within a second and it can be caused by various things.
Maybe they are struggling to keep a bad day good.
Maybe something they heard just now really got under their skin.
Maybe its as simple as getting up on the wrong side of the bed.
Maybe even a headache.
But when you've been around someone long enough.
You will be able to see what makes them who they really are and what are just their random changes.
I think I'm still pretty new in this place so I really really dont wanna place judgement on people when they are going through these small changes that veils their true selves. I really wanna know who they really are but most times it feels inappropriate.
So imma just take what I can and run with it.
11:13 PM
♫ Saturday, April 28, 2012
Missing
I miss the old times.
I miss laughing my head off.
Ever since I could remember, nothing felt better to me than laughing my head off even if its over the randomest funny thing with practical strangers.
I miss feeling like someone understands.
I miss having someone I could just pour my heart's and soul's content to.
I dont have someone like that anymore.
I miss feeling not alone.
Its not about boyfriends/girlfriends when I say this.
Because I dont open up to just anyone. Hell, I wasnt open to any of my past partners.
Dont know what i'm getting at.
Just at a low right now.
I said, at this day and age where technology makes it easier to interact with someone, there really shouldnt be that many people missing each other. But there is, and I asked why. I, myself dont know why.
But I am one of those people missing another when they are just only a text or call away.
And as time goes on, and the gap in between grows bigger and darker,
People you knew change into different people. And when you finally decide to open the door you had the key to all along, all you see in front of you is just a familiar stranger and old rusted memories surrounding what used to be.
Its sad to realise all this and still stand in front of the door with the key in hand, yet doing nothing to open the door that can mend the change.
11:46 PM
Eep!!
Its friday! Awesome day at work!
Good thing about friday is that everybody's much more relaxed.
So anyway,
Start of shift, Leader ask me go other station. Then a half hour later, comes to me again and says go back to my station.
Lol. Nvm. Then, nothing to do. I walk here, walk there disturb people.
After dinner, I sat at my station. A china guy sat at the station next to me, doing his work
And talking to the auntie who was on the other side of me.
I knew I was at a bad position! Why!? Because next thing I know, he starts talking to the auntie about me.
THEN, he starts talking to me.
And he said in chinese,
"can you speak chinese" -No.
"but you know how to listen" -Yeah
Then he asked a bunch of questions. It was like..why am I being..interrogated??
But at this point I was surprised how much I actually understood chinese/mandarin.
Then it got really funny. When he asked what I was doing tomorrow. Then the aunties happened to be at the right place, right time and said, " You want go out? Watch movie??"
We all just laughed our heads off.
It was really cute.
Then the other china guys from the back, just gathered around at the side, watching our struggling conversation. They just watched, no help at all. Maybe they thought, what the hell is this guy doing? Because that was probably the most english words coming out of that guy's mouth in the longest time. It was hilarious.
Hands down, the best day at work, ever.
12:02 AM
♫ Saturday, April 21, 2012
Weird! -Realisation
New blogger feels weird.
Anyway,
Imma tell you a little secret.
Which I think a lot of girls have as well.
Where I get my motivation from when there is no where good to take it from.
Motivation to get a driving license, to take my O levels, to work.
If I dont have motivation, I will lose interest halfway through.
I purposely have crushes on people.
Its nothing nasty, mind you. Its just to make these things that I have to do more interesting so I will look forward to doing it because I think I will lose motivation and just quit if I dont do it.
I dont know if 'crush' is even the right word. I am not attracted to the person, I just like them for some reason.
[Oh shit. OR maybe its because they give me attention!
(Am I an attention seeker? I dont think so. I dont seek attention. I just love it but Im fine without it. -that kinda thing)
Oh I get myself now! I look forward to these things because there are people there in these places that give me attention.]
Its funny how blogging helps me out.
In previous situations, the people who gave me attention were of my age or were "suited to be crushes".
So all along, I thought I had crushes on these people just to keep things interesting.
But while typing this, I realised that I didnt have much of a crush on the guys at work because the aunties there give me lots and lots of attention already!!
Oh, talk about the guys at work..
So like, the china guy was like, "Imma marry her and be PRC" in chinese.
And everyone there knows mandarin so there was a burst of laughter.
And then one auntie translated for me. Of course, I laughed it off and said I'd rather die.
1) If you are even remotely good looking, please DO NOT say these kinda things because that there, is a dangerous combination.
2) Yeah, I laughed it off but in this living world, everything effects everything. Even if its very small or you dont notice it. Everything is affected.
3) Oh god, now the aunties at work are gonna talkkkkk. Thanks to that mad china guy.
4) So well ok. "I'd rather die" - harsh. Whether it was a joke or it was made to look like a joke, my reply was harsh. Thats what you get when you make me the center of not so good attention!
5) I'm just there to work. I actually dont want drama because the people there are really awesome.
6) Special thanks to my partner Auntie Ah Bao, for going in there to scold those boys. HAHA!! Joke on me turned joke on them. Splendid Pwnage!
I have the fiercest auntie as my partner. No one can beat that!
(Im totally being doted on. Hehe)
Ok. I think thats it.
I might be staying at that place longer then I expected.
Oh, the packing auntie is resigning in a month. Sad about it because we're all kinda like a group and we sit and talk (disturb) each other at the end of the shift.
Gonna miss her. She's also my protector from those "mean" people. Haha!~
Blog soon.
11:14 AM
♫ Friday, April 06, 2012
People.
People whom I've met from the workplace.
I feel like I will miss them if I ever do leave.
I'm not particularly close to anyone but the people there,
they make the workplace seem so much more vibrant and alive.
Thus making my work life and environment happy.
Trust me, its not the pay, or anything else for that matter, thats keeping me there.
Its the people.
Its the malay aunties that talk about little things.
Its the chinese aunties that talks bout TOTO and 4D. LOL.
Its the one indian auntie that keeps giving me sweets.
And all the aunties really doting on the younger ones including me.
Its the china boys at the back making noise about idontknowwhat in their thick china accents.
Its the very friendly approachable supervisor and leaders.
Its the way everyone pretends to be busy when the big boss comes down to the production line.
Its the everyday "WHERE ARE THE TROLLEYS??" realisation. Hahaha!
I can go on and on.
I love the workplace, not quite because of the work.
I know I can get a better pay elsewhere.
But as of now, I dont have much responsibilities so I will enjoy working at that place till when the time comes where I am pretty much forced to find a better paying job.
Am not really a money chaser kinda person.
I realised that its a common trait between my mother and me.
But I dont think I share her luck.
She has had both ends of the luck spectrum.
Glad she got through alright and became my Mom.
*blushysmile*
Anyhoo..
I wanna say this again.
I SOOOO LOVE MY WORKPLACE. XD
11:11 PM
